FOR MUSICIANS ONLY When Insanity is Part of the Job Description by George Ziemann -- February 13, 2008 There's a saying that's popular with the 12-Step crowd which goes something like, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." Some of us call that "rehearsal." Funny thing is that if you do it long enough, you do get different results. Well, some of us do. Some of us end up in rehab, which is where they learn the "Insanity" slogan and make the subconscious link that will eventually make them look around during a bad rehearsal and go, "This is crazy. Why am I doing this?" Then the band goes down to the bar to think about it all over a pitcher, someone orders up a round of shots, a pile of coke appears in the bathroom and, before you know it, the entire lot of them are doing a rehab tour, which will attract much more publicity than they would have received had they actually finished the album. The crazy actually starts out when someone decides to learn an instrument. Or when someone's parent decides they're going to learn an instrument. The amount of crazy depends on the instrument you select, how dedicated you are to learning it, and your ability to find a place to practice that isn't pissing someone off. Even in the school orchestra, you've got violins, cellos and bass, none of which have a volume control and all of which severely need one. Join the school band and now you're talking trumpets, trombones, tubas and drums. Drummers are probably the most susceptible to crazy because even the best drummers are annoying after 5 or 10 minutes if there's no music along with it. As a result, they are the most likely to have heard "For the love of God, I can't take it any more. Please, PLEASE, stop!!" more often than the rest of the band put together. Keyboardists had the same problem as drummers for a long time, but there was always the church organ, which is where the likes of Wakeman, Emerson, and many others discovered one of the few rehearsal spaces where loud was okay and you got to do a show at least once a week without having to haul a Hammond around. Now we've got keys with headphone outputs, so keyboard players don't have to be so moody now that they're not forced to learn a stack of hymns before they can get to have any fun. Of course, the minute you get a band together and try to rehearse, it's a guarantee that the cops will show up within the first hour or two to tell you to turn down. This tends to have a dampening effect on the newly formed band, especially if the police happen to notice that one of the guitar players has an outstanding warrant. By the time you get enough tunes together to play out, you've already learned to not really care if you're annoying because, apparently, you're always annoying. The best you can hope for is to learn one of the officers' favorite tunes, always have a pot of coffee ready and convince him to start bringing pizza. Just remember not to offer him a joint. Special Skills In addition to any musical ability you may have, simply being insane is a good start, but it's not enough. There are a lot of non-musical things that someone in the band needs to be able to do well. The Bullshit Artist -- This is the guy who's going to walk into a club and get you your first gig. You have no track record, no following, no references from other club owners. You don't even have a clue how much they might pay you. This is no obstacle to the Bullshit Artist, who is going to shmooze with the club owner and convince him that you're the next Beatles. If you've got a used car salesman in the band, he's the one. The Bookkeeper -- Okay, you don't have to be anal about it, but someone has to keep track of stuff unless you just want to live week to week or are just doing the weekend warrior thing to pick up a few extra bucks. If you're serious about playing and are working steady, you should be acting like a business and keep track of how much money the band brings in and where it all went. The Agent/Manager -- Some bands prefer to let someone else sling bullshit for them. So they hire an agent to do it for them and give him a 10-20 percent cut off the top. This is often worth the commission, especially if the agent gets you higher paying gigs and keeps you working. Some bands prefer to let someone else sling bullshit for them and wish someone else would keep track of everything for them because math kind of scares them a little. You can roll these together and have a manager, who will deal with the agents, do some booking himself, keep track of the money, etc. The problem with having a manager is that you're trusting a bullshit artist to keep track of your money. It seldom ends well. The Yakker -- You've got a good crowd. You're in the middle of a rocking set. The guitar player breaks a string. It'll just take a minute to put a new one on and tune it up. Better if he has a second guitar. It'd only take a half a minute to switch. Are you going to stand there like twits and watch the dance floor empty or does someone have a 30-second story to tell that keeps them on their feet? The Yakker is also important if you're one of those bands that doesn't have a song list and has to vote between songs to determine what to play next. You're doing it wrong, though. The Yakker should only be used in emergencies, not so the band can debate the merits of Led Zeppelin vs. Radiohead at this moment in time for this particular crowd. Mr. Lister -- The guy who sits down and makes up a song list for the night, in big letters, and makes copies for the band, the sound guy, the light guy and anyone else who needs it. That way, everyone knows what's coming next and you can get right to it. Mr. Lister knows to always use black because red or blue can be rendered invisible by stage lighting. The Arbitrator -- Don't leave home without one. You put between 3-7 people together and go out on the road for a month and sooner or later, tempers will flare. Stay out there for 6 months to a year and either you're going to turn into a family or you're going to kick someone out of the band. You still have to go out and play 4 or 5 hours tonight but the singer is hoping the bass player has a brain aneurysm between the first and second set, while the drummer is considering thumping the guitar player, whose mere presence has been annoying since lunchtime. The Arbitrator will convince everyone to shut the hell up, just play their part and worry about kicking each other's ass later. The Poster Boy/Girl -- If you don't have a poster, how will people know you're playing somewhere. That's what the Poster Boy/Girl is for. Not to be on the poster, but to make them and then go stick them under windshield wipers at the grocery store. Next: Building a Crew

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